New Soul

2011-10-31T22:31:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time
Did it all in faith
You were looking for somewhere
To let the fire remain
That was the past
And reverse was our future
Physical attraction while a moment bends
Doesn't matter how we get there
It was made to end
And it ends just like it starts
In this town

2011-10-10T07:19:00.002-05:00

Apparently, he is more interested in maintaining a faux-friendship that was built on mutual distrust and dislike than he is in maintaining a real friendship with the girl he jumped one summer night. Awesome.

Reviewing 2010

2010-12-31T18:21:00.006-06:00

This year wasn't the most eventful year, but it wasn't exactly boring either. Here's a quick review of 2010:

January: I had to quit my job a Drury this month. I also decided to became a
vegetarian, and I bought my beautiful iMac!

February: I wallowed in self-pity. I felt like a failure for not being a productive
member of society. This was not a great month, to say the least.

March: I started my first "real" job. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to work
for this company, and I met some fantastic people.

April: One of my best friends got engaged!

May: M and I moved to our pretty apartment. We've slowly realized that it's
actually a little ghetto. We also had a BATHROOM FULL OF KITTENS for about
a week.

June: I went to KC with M and got to hang out with her family and friends as well
meet some new people.

July: Early in the month, I had a family reunion in STL. The best part was that
the hotel offered three free drinks every night to each guest (21+). Later
in the month, I turned 24, had a fantastic Birthday Weekend, went to
Branson with the fam, and scandalized my brother with Mr. Milwaukee in
the hot tub. #successfulmonth

August: M and I went to the Lake for Jake's birthday, and I GOT M TO GO CANOEING!

September: I adopted the newest addition to the household--Tobias! He's such a special
kitty!

October: Mom and I went to STL on her birthday. We saw Maggie perform, and on the way
home, stopped in Rolla to spend time with Jake.

November: I quit my first "real" job, and went back to the office that I love. I'm so
happy to be back with my people!

December: This month has been busy (of course) with the holidays. I've been able to
spend time with friends and family that I don't get to see very often, and
that has been so lovely!

Cold Feet

2010-12-07T21:22:00.001-06:00

I think we can all learn something from the Russians. Vodka is an excellent source of warmth.

It was a BT kind of day

2010-11-27T22:12:00.000-06:00

Strange Feeling

2010-11-21T21:04:00.004-06:00

I have such great relationships with Jake, Maggie, and Abe. It makes me sad that I most likely won't be close to Isaac.

I can't get dragged into that whole mess, though.

The best I can do is (when he gets older) let him know that I'll be there for him if he ever needs anything.

It still feels so strange to have a half-brother (who is twenty-three years [to the day] younger than I am).

But, it's hard to ignore now that I've met* and fallen completely in love with him.

*I met him October 17. I hadn't planned on meeting him for a long time, but I bumped into him (and his mom and his other half-sisters) unexpectedly in the park. I wasn't emotionally prepared, but when I held him and he laughed and feel asleep in my arms.

2010-10-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

too old
too young
too short
too married
too stupid
too lazy
too irresponsible
too boring
too obnoxious
too quiet
too loud
too weird
too normal

...too picky?

2010-09-15T19:26:00.003-05:00

"Perhaps there is some truth to the notion that stars collide or are out of balance in the universe and thus, in disarray, exert an influence upon individuals here on earth."

From All He Ever Wanted by Anita Shreve

[Note: This book is actually not that fantastic]

[Not Feeling a Title]

2010-09-09T21:45:00.006-05:00

Tonight feels like it should be cool outside, but it definitely is not. I'm ready for a weekend of Lounging, Jurassic Park-ing, Autism Walking, and who knows what else!

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train

A Bar in Amsterdam

2010-09-06T20:49:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty obsessed with this song by Katzenjammer:

2010-09-02T20:50:00.002-05:00

Work was not so great today, but it was nothing that red wine and an excellent thunderstorm couldn't fix.

2010-08-29T20:36:00.003-05:00

This is the best thing I've seen all day:

Thank you, thefrisky.com!

Twenty-Four Things

2010-07-18T21:38:00.005-05:00

-Mud Lounge with Marie, Linz, Cassy, and Justin
-Fitting three people in a Miata
-Liberty and Lawrence
-Birthday brownies
-Party Van
-Drinking PBR while in Party Van
-Dancing
-Vodka
-Blah, blah, blah conversations
-Working out how to catch fireflies by using two plastic cups with Shane.
-Realizing several minutes later that there actually aren't any fireflies around
-Veggie nachos at Burrito King
-Bestie love at midnight
-Tiara
-Cuddle-puddle on couch
-Passengers in Party Van singing Happy Birthday to me
-Picking up random chair
-Deciding who should keep the random chair
-Depositing random chair in boy's driveway
-Family photo shoot
-Hu Hot
-Little cousin pulling on shirt saying, "I'm trying to see your bra!"
-Making CA plans
-Exhaustion

:-)

If you could be any color, which one would you choose?

2010-06-21T18:37:00.004-05:00

Strange Things are A-Happenin'

2010-06-20T15:10:00.004-05:00

I know Marie already wrote about this, but that's just too bad. :)

There was a big storm on Saturday complete with hail, an excellent lightning show, blinding rain, and high winds. That storm passed through around 5:00 pm, and by 6:30 that evening, the sky was mostly clear. We went to see Toy Story 3. After the movie, we made our way to the Mud Lounge (of course). Along the way, we passed a mass of people standing in line to see Whitechapel (judging by the people in line, this does not seem like a band I would like. Although, I could be wrong)* at the Ballroom. After navigating our way around the crowd, we made it to the Mud Lounge, which was closed. CLOSED?! At 9:00 pm on a Saturday?! Actually, it was closing; the waiter were cleaning off tables.

Marie and I brainstorm about things to do, and we decided to pick up food and go back home to watch Air: The Musical. The first place M suggested for food was Perkins (random), and we ultimately settled on Sonic (cranberry limeade, FTW!). As we're leaving the parking garage, we hear a strange sound. It turns out that a piece of metal had fallen from M's car, and was dragging the ground. M took care of the that, and we were on our merry way once again.

Except, Sonic was closed. And so was Perkins (it's supposed to be open until midnight). However, the bar between them was in full swing. There were a couple of traffic lights out, but they were on opposite sides of town. It was very eerie. Also, when we got home, our clocks were blinking. Apparently, the electricity had gone out at some point, but came back on around 8:45. It just seems so strange that it occurred hours after the huge storm passed.

Basically, we were convinced that it was the apocalypse.

So far, everything has been normal today. Well, as normal as they could be with M and myself... ;-)

*Okay, I looked Whitechapel up on iTunes, and it is definitely NOT my cup of tea. I realize this is not important to the story.

No Need to Rush

2010-05-13T19:44:00.002-05:00

I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.

The Next Chapter

2010-05-09T20:17:00.002-05:00

This weekend, Marie and I moved to our new apartment! Thankfully, we had lots of family to help us move! At this point, I feel fairly settled in, and I'm excited to start decorating. This weekend was so busy with Artwalk (Capstone opening at the PAC and Freedom Photography!), moving, unpacking, and the Mother's Day extravaganza at the Lake.

A few days ago I made the decision to put grad school off for a year. A different financial priority needs to be dealt with before I continue my education. However, I also made the decision to work on my photography. I'm really excited to be able to spend time on this hobby!

While I was unpacking my books this evening, I came across all of my Religion Senior Seminar readings. I really miss those discussions! Maybe I need to get together with Brett...Haha! But really, I think I'm going to reread The Fall and The Stranger which are both written by Albert Camus. The first time I read The Fall, it threw me into an existential crisis.

Marie, (in advance) I'm sorry that I'll be ranting. Feel free to tune me out. Haha!

It's That Time of Year (At Least I Don't Have Finals)

2010-05-04T21:40:00.003-05:00

Moving day is near! I think it's safe to say that the next several days are going to be pretty intense with working, shopping for Mother's Day, packing, moving, going to the Lake, etc.

I'm also looking forward to the PAC gallery opening on Friday; it will be fun to see what the Capstone students did this year! I can't wait to see what my talented friends from the Art Department created!

At the same time that such exciting things are happening in my life, my best friend is having a very difficult time. I wish I could go visit her, but it's just not possible right now. Hopefully, after Chelsea graduates, things will settle down and we'll be able to spend some quality time together. I miss her so much!

These Animals Aren't in Disney Movies

2010-04-11T14:06:00.003-05:00

I just took a little hike around the nearby lake, and I saw a squirrel that was approximately the size of Stella just hanging out on the trail, looking like a badass.

Also, the other day, I was thinking of the chameleon that Marie and I saw in Petsmart. We named him (?) Kanye.

Chameleon Sunglasses - Amazing videos are here

What's A-Happenin'

2010-03-25T09:46:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I met up with Mom, Maggie, and Abe in Lebanon, and then we drove to Rolla to see Jake (Valerie was also there). I finally got to go to A Slice of Pie, and it was soooo delicious! I love pie so much...

I'm really excited to start my new job on Monday!

Tomorrow afternoon, Marie and I are going to look at some apartments.

Today, I'm getting my hair cut (FINALLY!), and I'm going to scout out some new music at Entertainmart. And maybe buy the first season of Friends.

Finally, here is something cute on this rainy day:

Enjoy the rest of your week! :)

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2010-03-04T22:58:00.001-06:00

Bill Nye the Science Guy Would be so Proud

2010-03-03T22:29:00.007-06:00

Science fascinates me. I regret not majoring in biology (in addition to my other majors, of course). Anyway, yesterday I read two really interesting scientific articles.

The first one discussed a newly found dinosaur nest that is about 67 billion years old. That in and of itself is really interesting to me (I have an uncle who is an archeologist). However, they also found a skeleton of a giant snake that snacked on the baby dinosaurs. Poor little guys! It's still a pretty neat finding!

The second article revealed that the earthquake in Chile may have shortened the Earth day by 1.26 microseconds. It also could have moved the figure axis by about three inches! Ahhh! I know that this doesn't really have any impact on my life, but still...it's pretty cool when you think about it.

I'm a little bit of a nerd, I suppose... :)

Spring Seems So Much Closer!

2010-03-02T14:31:00.005-06:00

Happy March! Dreary February is over, and even though March so far hasn't been much better, I feel like we're so much closer to spring! Woot!!

I've been doing some cleaning today. I cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the bathroom floor, and I'm getting ready to do some laundry. It's quite energizing, and I think it's helping me center my chi. I've been feeling pretty anxious lately with the whole job search thing, but I feel like my luck is changing: I've had two "second" interviews, and while I would much rather work at one place, I could live with the other job as well. It's a waiting game now, but I'm still looking in case neither job pans out.

It's been over a month since I became a pescatarian. I was never a red-meat eater, but I've completely eliminated chicken and turkey from my diet. It's been a little difficult when I eat out, but it's getting easier. I think the hardest part was finding canned soup (yes, I'm lazy) that didn't have a chicken broth base. Just because a soup says it's just vegetables and noodles doesn't mean that it's vegetarian.

Here are some of my new favorite meals:

Baked Fish

I put a piece of fish on tinfoil and cover it with veggies. I drizzle some olive oil and white wine and sprinkle salt, pepper, and herbs (I like rosemary and thyme) over all of the veggies and fish. Then, I wrap the tinfoil around everything and bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees. I usually eat this over herbed brown rice.

Veggie Soup

I use Campbell's Southwest Veggie soup as a base, and then I add extra corn and black beans. I also dress it up with garlic, cumin, red pepper, paprika, and a pinch of tumeric. It is delicious and so fast to make! I crumble some tortilla chips in a bowl, ladle the soup over the chips and toss some cheese on the top. Nom!

Taco Salad

Crumble chips onto a plate and then toss romaine lettuce, corn, black beans, and cheese on top. Pretty basic, I know, but then I put a lime vinaigrette on top. To make the vinaigrette, I juice two limes and add about 1/4 cup of olive oil. Then, I mix in salt and red pepper. It's tart and delicious. It adds a lot of flavor!

I also baked a flourless chocolate cake today for the first time. It is absolutely divine. You should try the recipe.

Stella's Tongue Makes Raspy Noises

2010-02-19T00:44:00.004-06:00

The past couple of days have been lovely and sunshiny! It's been wonderful. Of course, all good things come to an end:

Bah! I wish spring would hurry up and get here! If only Punxsutawney Phil hadn't seen his shadow...

In other news, it's always fun when the waitress at your favorite bar is excited to see you (of course, this could also mean that you spend ENTIRELY too much time there).

Looking forward to a fun weekend!

The Sun Came Out to Play

2010-02-17T20:55:00.002-06:00

Vitamin D

2010-02-16T16:08:00.003-06:00

I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about

Last night when I was talking to my mom, she mentioned that I should maybe get some Vitamin D from the store since this is the time of year that I usually start feeling depressed due to lack of sunshine and warmth.

My mother knows me so well! Haha!

Anyway, I decided to put together a list of foods that are [naturally] high in Vitamin D. Here are some things that I found that carry that beautiful vitamin:

-salmon
-shrimp
-cod
-mushrooms
-tofu
-soymilk
-cheese
-eggs

In the 417

2010-02-13T21:43:00.003-06:00

Here is a list of establishments in the area that I think would be fun to visit:

7C's Winery
Bambinos
Chester's
Nipa Thai
Romeo & Julieta
Seoul Oriental Market
Soo's Korean
Tea Bar & Bites
Weezies

*I knew that if I made a list with pen and paper, I would lose it.

Nom!

2010-02-12T14:46:00.001-06:00

I've Solved my Career Conundrum

2010-02-10T22:46:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure that this is my dream job.

Clearly, I'm supposed to be a wine angel in Las Vegas.

How Strange

2010-02-07T21:09:00.004-06:00

Maggie and I were shopping, because she had a gift card to a particular store. I was getting frustrated, because she wasn't even trying to find anything to buy, and I had made a special trip to help her. In the meantime, Mom called me to see if I had called Lady Gaga yet. Of course I hadn't, so she got frustrated with me.

On our way to meet up with other people, Maggie and I took a different route than normal. It was very hilly and fun to drive on. It went through a beautiful field. We were riding with the windows down, blasting music, and breathing fresh air. Then, the road ended. We got really creeped out, so we went back the way we came.

Cut to the wilderness. There were cabins and a lake. I was driving to our cabin when I saw a huuuuuge grizzly bear. It was meandering amongst the people; it was totally unthreatening. It went to the lake and caught a fish. I was so impressed.

My family, friends, and a bunch of other random people were hanging out in a giant cabin. We were in a circle having an intense discussion about something. I got a phone call, so I walked into a different room to take it. It was about a job offer. The offer was from a religious organization, and it would include driving around the state of MO and delivering pamphlets to various churches.

I thought the whole thing was a little sketchy, and I told the lady (her name began with a J) that I would call her back with my decision. "Well, actually, I'm here. Let's talk about it." I decide that the job isn't for me, and J runs furiously into the room where the other people are talking. She goes to my mom and tells her about the job. My mom asks again if I had called Lady Gaga, and of course I had not. She said that I should take the job. I refuse. J storms around the room, breaking bottles of alcohol (specifically vodka).

Then, I woke up.

Analyze that.

My mom was really weirded out by it.

Two Things

2010-02-04T16:44:00.002-06:00

I had a long and involved post just about finished, but I trashed it. There are really just two things that need to be mentioned:

I'm going on an Alaskan cruise this summer. I'll also be spending a week in Canada.
There was a misunderstanding with the boy mentioned in the previous post. So, everything's much, much, much better on that front.

FML

2010-02-01T19:32:00.001-06:00

"I wish we could be closer so that we could be together."

Apparently, this directly translates to "I like your sister."

Fuck.

Who'd You Rather Be?

2010-01-02T13:02:00.001-06:00

Get hot, get too close to the flame
Wild, open space
Talk like an open book
Sign me up
Got no time to take a picture
I'll remember someday all the chances we took
We're so close to something better left unknown
We're so close to something better left unknown

I can feel it in my bones
Gimme sympathy
After all of this is gone
Who'd you rather be?
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
Oh, seriously
You're gonna make mistakes, you're young
Come on, baby, play me something
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"
Come on, baby, play me something
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"

Don't go, stay with the all-unknown
Stay away from the hooks
All the chances we took
We're so close to something better left unknown
We're so close to something better left unknown

I can feel it in my bones
Gimme sympathy
After all of this is gone
Who'd you rather be?
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
Oh, seriously
You're gonna make mistakes, you're young
Come on, baby, play me something
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"

Gimme sympathy
After all of this is gone
Who'd you rather be?
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?
Oh, seriously
You're gonna make mistakes, you're young
Come on, baby, play me something
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"
Come on, baby, play me something
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"

Kicking off the New Year

2010-01-01T02:01:00.003-06:00

Helloooo 2010!

Your arrival was definitely much more fun than 2009.

While it would be nice to be cuddling (or something...) with someone right now, I'm glad I stuck by my original decision.

2010, I'm excited for what new adventures you have to offer me!

I Prefer the Fresher Air

2009-12-16T21:30:00.003-06:00

One time
We were
In passing
I watched
The future
Swirling 'round, around my head
And this is how it went

You and I both alone sat
Waiting in lines too long to comprehend
We both sat waiting in lines
For the rest of our lives

You-whooo-ooooh

Forever and after we went on forever

One time
You were
Inhaling
I saw
The smoke went
Whirling 'round your heedless head
You bore me to my death

You and I both alone sat
Waiting in lines too long to comprehend
We both sat waiting in lines
For the rest of our lives

You-whooo-ooooh

Forever and after we went on forever

I prefer to sleep alone
I prefer to stay right here
Don't come searching
I prefer the windows up
I prefer the fresher air
And for the record

You-whooo-ooooh

Forever and after we went on forever
And after we went on forever
And after we went on forever

Thanksgiving: 2009 Version

2009-11-28T23:28:00.004-06:00

My Thanksgiving:

lots of cooking and baking with my sister acting as a sous chef
delicious food
mailing out graduation announcements
discussing the future
chatting with mom
playing football with Jake, Abe, and Conner
looking at my grandparents' pictures of Italy
huge birthday party for Maggie and Jackson
heart-to-hearts with my sister
successfully avoiding the awkwardness/awfulness of Jeff's and what's-her-name's Thanksgiving
chilling with my aunt
talking to Jake about his new major--Explosives

I had a great couple of days at home! This break rejuvenated me (I hope) so that the last couple of weeks before graduation won't be pure hell.

Dear Body,

2009-11-11T22:57:00.004-06:00

Please stop hurting. It's been approximately six weeks, and I'm tired of this. I would really appreciate it if you could just fight this.

Thanks,
Ashley

Post-Halloween Costume Parties, Beautiful Weather, Lots of Photography, Oh My!

2009-11-08T21:43:00.001-06:00

It was just a cowbell kind of weekend.

What's Your Type?

2009-11-01T19:47:00.005-06:00

When I drink beer, I prefer Blue Moon. Here's what that says about me:

The personality traits of people who prefer Blue Moon, a Belgian style wheat beer, tracked similarly to the same type of people who prefer craft beers—which means Blue Moon drinkers probably don't know it's a Molson Coors Brewing Co. family product made in Colorado.

Blue Moonies are socially liberal and usually quite willing to go against convention. They really hate moral authorities, and believe children should be exposed to moral dilemmas and allowed to come to their own conclusions. They can also be sarcastic and snide in order to get a point across.

People who drink Blue Moon beer are 105% more likely than the average person to drive hybrid cars, 77% more likely to own Apple Mac laptops, 65% more likely to purchase five pairs or more of sneakers every year, and 32% more likely to not be registered voters.

What does your beer say about you?

I Had a Dream Last Night

2009-10-28T12:48:00.005-05:00

Dreams are so weird.

The Merriam-Webster defines dreams as "a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep." Dreams can reveal hidden desires and fears. Current worries and frustrations can be worked out through dreams. One could also dream of parading through an underwater town on the back of a green, pink, and orange elephant (I'm going to assume that this can't really happen...).

Dreams are limited only by our imaginations and subconscious.

So long ago
Was it in a dream, was it just a dream?
I know, yes I know
Seemed so very real, it seemed so real to me
Took a walk down the street
Thru the heat whispered trees
I thought I could hear
Somebody call out my name as it started to rain
Two spirits dancing so strange
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé

Dream, dream away
Magic in the air, was magic in the air?
I believe, yes I believe
More I cannot say, what more can I say?
On a river of sound
Thru the mirror go round, round
I thought I could feel Music touching my soul, something warm, sudden cold
The spirit dance was unfolding
Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé

Go Figure

2009-10-14T23:37:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I went to bed at the decent time of 10:00 pm. I figured I needed as much sleep as I could possibly get to avoid getting sick.

At 10:30, my mom called to chat.
At 11.30, my brother called to chat.

Really?

Hahaha. Go figure.

"I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge"

2009-10-12T21:58:00.003-05:00

First, the bad:

Feeling useless
Feeling like I'm wasting my time
Having a professor bark orders at the class for three straight hours
Cold, drizzly weather
My drawing (haha)

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge

Unraveling with every word

Now, the good:

Hot soup
Roomie time in the middle of the hallway
Today is finished
Snuggling with StellzBellz
Jack's Mannequin

There was nothing ugly today.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Thank God.

"Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watching"

2009-10-04T19:52:00.008-05:00

Wow, it is already October! Where has the time gone? I finally admitted that I actually love fall. While I still loathe winter, I no longer claim to hate the its precursor. I love drinking obscene amounts of hot tea; I love snuggling down underneath toasty warm blankets; I love wearing hoodies; I love opening my windows to smell the crisp, clean air; I love walking around on a crisp fall evening.

Time is flying right by, and I don't feel prepared to face the [very near] future. In about 2.5 months, L and I will graduate!!! Yay! But, what am I going to do then? I will lose my job at that point, so I really need to start thinking about what to do next. I was kind of hoping that my internship would turn into something, but right now it don't have the client base to provide the income they would need to have extra people working for it.

Look at you

Kicking off your shoes,

Dancing for the world to see,

You got the power to believe,

Open up and see,

and I’ll be free and fly away

Last Friday, I made a quick trip to the Lake. It had been a really rough week for my mom, so I wanted to spend some time with her. While I was at the Lake, I saw my sister perform in the marching band, I hung out with my grandparents, and I saw my dad for the first time since....Father's day? I also officially met his girlfriend (although I can't remember her name...Deanne maybe?) She seems really nice, though. They are coming here tomorrow to take me out to dinner--hopefully I'll get to know her a little better.

Amber is getting married next week! Last night was her bachelorette party, and it was so much fun! I got to reconnect with a couple of girls from high school, and I met a few other really awesome girls. We called our waiter "Tight Buns" and drank out of straws shaped like penises. I think that pretty much describes the evening. I'm so happy for Josh and Amber; they've already been together the better part of a decade, but it's exciting nonetheless!

Oh, the moon is awesome tonight! It's huge!

Tugged the moon into the ground...

Pitterpat, the angel on my shoulder

Is haunting me tonight

Tick tock, the clock is getting louder

Ready for me to decide

Things Change in the Morning Rain

2009-09-20T13:01:00.003-05:00

It feels like fall. I think summer has officially said goodbye.

I have to admit that I found the pouring rain that we had yesterday very comforting. Or, maybe I just found the fact that I was able to stay inside and drink hot tea comforting. Either way, I was feeling something akin to bliss.

These past few weeks have been busy. I finally found an internship, and I think it's going to be a perfect match for me! The company is UPsidEo, and I am going to be creating their brand image. It is a new organization, and they currently have nothing in place as far a logo goes. I get to start with a completely blank slate! In addition to establishing its image, I'm also going to progress its social networking: create more of a presence on Twitter, Facebook, establish blogs for both UPsidEo and it's non-profit partner, Living Green Network. I think that the owners have so much to offer, and I'm glad to be working on such a socially/environmentally/globally conscious venture.

Last week I finally had a conversation with my father. I hadn't spoken to him in about two months. At least once a day I would think of him and want to throw up. I was so angry, hurt, and disappointed that I was starting to obsess over it. I didn't want to have anything to do with him, and after I heard about Isaac, I was ready to never speak to him again.

But, at the same time, I was worried about him. Talk about maddening. I decided to call on Tuesday. I came home from class, cleaned, changed my sheets, started laundry, dialed his number, hung up, started fixing dinner, did some more laundry, took a deep breath, and then dialed again. We talked for 45 minutes. I got to clear the air; I told him my frustrations and about how he hurt me. He apologized and said that he wanted to work to fix our currently nonexistent relationship.

I've heard this before, so I'm not too quick to believe him, but at least I feel more at peace. I don't have anger festering in me. I said what I needed to say, and now the ball's in his court.

It's unbelievable how much better I sleep now.

Oh, Johann

2009-09-15T22:06:00.003-05:00

The great Johann Gutenberg (you know, the guy who invented the printing press) was a womanzier. Apparently, in his younger years, he threw great parties and drank booze constantly. He was quite the "boy about town" according to Garvin.

Stud.

Do the nice guys really finish last?

2009-09-01T22:49:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I was reading the Le Love blog (which you should probably check out), and it had an interesting take on the "nice guy." You know, the guy who is always there for you. The post described the nice guy as someone who is basically a pansy. He's too afraid of rejection to go from giving you a shoulder to cry on to giving you kiss that makes you forget about what you were even crying about in the first place. He's worried that, in trying to sweep you off your feet, he's going to sweep you right out of his life since all you wanted was friendship.

I had a conversation with R a few months ago about why we girls tend to go for the bad boy when the good guy is waiting in the wings. I told him that the bad boy's draw was his air of mystery, the hint of danger, and the excitement of breaking the "rules."

His response: "Psh, I can be dangerous."

No. No, you can't. But, eventually, once a girl gets the bad boy out of her system, she'll need the good guy again, and then he'll have the chance to make his move.

I that I pretty much just rambled during this post and that it probably didn't make much sense. Sorry about that. Haha! Have a good week!

Let's Try This Again

2009-08-30T22:28:00.003-05:00

So, the first post I tried to make tonight was just extremely bitter. I decided to not subject you readers to that.

Instead, I will say that today was the perfect day to be driving to and from the Lake. It was so gorgeous outside!

It Hit Me Fast

2009-08-29T02:34:00.002-05:00

Oy. Deja vu, please go away. kthxbai.

Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

"Sometimes I hate hard science. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's just how I feel"

2009-08-26T19:06:00.003-05:00

Today was the first day of class. Woot. It feels a little strange to still be there, but at the same time, it's very comfortable. I went to work, had lunch with Linz, sat outside and listened to music, and went to class. It was good.

I have an interview for an internship sometime early next week - keep your fingers crossed! If this doesn't work out, I'm not sure what I'll do...

I feel like I need massive amounts of chocolate.
Where, oh where did my summer go?

A Creepy Little Tale

2009-08-13T22:47:00.004-05:00

When I arrived at work yesterday morning, I went to my desk, sat my purse down, turned around to turn my computer on and saw....

a snack size bag of potato chips that had an apple in it (but no potato chips).

I thought that the people I work with may have left it on my desk as a joke until one of the girls I asked (rather incredulously) if I had eaten the bag of chips. I had not.

Then, the other girl went back to her desk and noticed that her water cup was filled...

she had finished the day before.

My water bottle that was filled to the brim was half empty.

It's a little creepy to say the least....

Men ARE from Mars

2009-08-11T10:37:00.004-05:00

Brett: yeah, that's how guys are though, Ashley stupid STUPID!

me: I KNOW! what is with you guys, anyway????

Brett: one word: Testosterone

me: that is NO excuse.

Brett: also we're sex hungry and afraid of limiting ourselves too earlybiological, etc. drive to "SPREAD the seed"means not finding one person instantly and being a love bird

me: ridiculous.

Brett: what kind of biodiversity would that bring?

me: I'm just saying, guys miss out on some great opportunities by being stupid.

Brett: no kidding

me: haha.

Brett: we know it too (at least eventually) but the anxiety attack is pretty strong

me: you know, brett, you are pretty evolved for a guy.

Brett: I'll tell you, committing to Micah as only the second girl I've really DATED was hard I didn't want to be out of the race so early but I used my brain and my heart to tag-team beat my primitive brain so it worked out and we're still happy no guy screw-up but it WAS hard. in conclusion, guys are stupid, we know this, and we live with it as best we can

"Come on, it's time for something biblical"

2009-08-09T21:52:00.003-05:00

Abe turned 12 this weekend, and it's Jake's last week at home before he moves to college. I feel so old! Good things about this weekend:

I love boating, and we ended up going to The Fish for dinner. All 15 of us.
New cell phone!
Drinking shots of whiskey with my brother. This morning. After church.
Family time / birthday party for my aunt and brother.
Lots of swimming and sunshine.

I realize that I probably drink more (at one time) when I go home than I do here.

Weird.

Bah!

2009-08-07T11:20:00.003-05:00

I just had a conversation with someone about religion, and she bascially told me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that, because I'm young, what I think is not valid. She told me that my entire set of ideologies is going to change completely, and that I "may think I know everything now, but when I'm older I'll see how wrong I was."

Then she said that she wasn't going to lie and say that she understood some religious practices, thus implying that I was lying.

I furiously texted my go-to person when I feel the need to debate something, and he both comforted me and then rephrased her explanations in a way that made me feel much more comfortable with the situation.

Then, with a quick joke and a laugh, I was better.

I Saw Booker Yesterday

2009-08-06T19:12:00.003-05:00

I want to take pictures. But, I'm tired of the scenery that's around me. I need to immerse my self in a different setting for a little while.

If only I had the time. Meh.

Do You Have a Twin You Don't Know About?

2009-08-03T15:11:00.003-05:00

Me: And, omg, your twin is here.
R: I'm confused. Who is my twin?
Me: Dwight B.
R: I have no idea who that is.
Me: He's your twin.

And that was that.

Because the Wind is High, It Blows My Mind

2009-08-02T18:53:00.004-05:00

Today was a wonderful "Me" Day! I baked, watched Lifetime movies, did laundry, cuddled with Stellz Bellz, relaxed, had a long conversation (via texting) that covered topics from blowing smoke rings to the crazy sheriff in Arizona to MIB to 3OH!3, was asked by a random guy in WalMart to help pick out his bedding, and rocked out to The Beatles.

It was very satisfying, and I feel like I'm ready for the upcoming week.

It Was the Era of Backstreet Boys and Nsync

2009-07-31T23:05:00.003-05:00

I just had an intense flashback from when I was 13 (a decade ago!!).
It included the following:

A trip with my church youth group
Realizing, for the first time, that it is not uncommon for couples to cheat on each other
Becoming aware that I was not helping the above situation at all
A hotel room
A movie
An 18 year old boy in my bed
Being extremely uncomfortable
Being happy that my mom decided to chaperone this particular trip

Oh, the days of youth.

Breathe In, Breathe Out: I Need a Mantra

2009-07-30T21:54:00.005-05:00

I need to focus on the good things that are happening around me so that I don't slip into a funk. If I get in too deep, I don't think I'll be able to crawl out of the dark hole. So, instead I will push those thoughts off into some corner of my mind that I will unlock eventually. Rather than focusing on my feelings of inadequacy, anger, and sadness, I will think happy thoughts and make it through the day.

I Blamed Dr. Esposito for this, and She Said, "Thank you! I accept full responsiblity!"

2009-07-26T21:37:00.004-05:00

I read another book by Albert Camus.

Apparently, I didn't ease into his books like I should have...I went straight from The Fall to The Stranger in which Camus explores what he termed, "the naked ness of man faced with the absurd."

Here's just a quick excerpt from the book:

He said that he had peered into it and that he had found nothing, gentlemen of the jury. He said the truth was that I didn't have a soul and that nothing human, not one of the moral principles that governm men's hearts, was within my reach. "Of course," he added, "we cannot blame him for this. We cannot complain that he lacks what it was not in his power to acquire. But here in this court the wholly negative virtue of tolerance must give way to the sterner but loftier virtue of justice. Especially when the emptiness of a man's heart becomes, as we find it has in this man, an abyss threatening to swallow up society.

If that doesn't cheer you up, I don't know what will...Haha!
Have a great week!

"Your day must have been better than mine; I broke my ankle."

2009-07-22T22:51:00.002-05:00

Well, suck it up, and stop being such a dumbass.

I know he's not a happy person; I know that he's very lonely most of the time. I also know that all of this is his own doing and that I will never ever feel bad for him. The people who could help totally see him as an upstanding and amiable citizen.

I'm bitter right now, but I'll be better in the morning.

And, I'll be great when I'm through with him.

This Could be a Good Thing.

2009-07-17T16:23:00.002-05:00

But, I don't want to jinx it.

In other news: what a beautiful day!! It's going to be a great weekend! :)

Currently Waiting on Banana Bread to Come Out of the Oven

2009-07-12T16:34:00.003-05:00

I wish it would storm right now. I feel like flashes of lightning, cracks of thunder, and pouring rain would be good for my psyche.

My domestic side is feeling especially ambitious this afternoon as I am currently baking an experimental banana bread (I took the original recipe and added some twists), and I'm going to be making a pizza tonight for dinner. I made an oregano/basil crust, and I'm using tomatoes marinated in olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic for the sauce. The toppings are artichoke hearts, black olives, red onion, mushrooms, and fresh mozzerella. It's going to be so delicious! The girls I work with have inspired me to become more creative with my cooking as well as using better and fresher ingredients. It's pretty exciting! Right now, the actions of baking are soothing to me.

I need to be careful where I tip-toe. I'm dancing dangerously close to a line. If that line gets crossed, there will be no turning back.

Sometimes, Words are Too Much

2009-07-08T22:55:00.003-05:00

Look at this first:

http://www.daniellecorsetto.com/gws.html

The best friendship question ever: advice or sympathy.

Sometimes we are too quick to shell out advice. I know I want to try to help when a friend is in need; I want to try to fix the problem.

It's important to remember that people sometimes just need a shoulder to lean on and someone to hold their hand while they work through a problem.

I know I need to keep this in mind.

Visiting the 65020

2009-07-05T21:39:00.005-05:00

beautiful drive - winding roads - a kitten, a goose, and a fawn - long talks at the dinner table - bunking with Maggie since I still don't have a new bed - shopping during the busiest weekend at the Lake - driving around, trying to find a new umbrella for the picnic table (and realizing that there is exactly 1 remaining in Camden and Miller counties) - boat rides - Grandparents thinking that Lady Gaga is "Jivey" - realizing that all of the pens I use on a regular basis are from drug reps - learning how to sign the word "enthusiasm" in ASL - adopting Maggie's new found philosophy of "you can be right or you can be happy" - playing with Val's huge dog that comes up to my hip - long drives with Jake - being stressed out and frustrated beyond belief - watching a fireworks show compete with lightning (and failing miserably) - getting "pulled over" by the boat patrol only to realize that the man is BFFs with everyone on the boat - creating a dessert by dipping a spoon into peanut butter, then into dark chocolate chips, and then into coconut - taking some kickass photos - getting a few fabulous new shirts - exploring new highways - having an intense craving for Chinese food at 10:30 AM during church - being encouraged by the preacher to text/tweet during the service - working a sound board - laying on blankets in the grass - reaffirming my awe of people who can sign in ASL fluently - learning that AM wants to move to Korea within the next year to teach - "We stand in an unbroken line of splendor" - having Jake ask me if my biological clock was "tocking" yet - being extremely uncomfortable of the fact that my ovaries and uterus were a topic of discussion for such a long time - successfully avoided all contact with Jeff (I've decided that sperm donor is too cold) - leaving Stellz for the first time - missing LinzMarieStellz - feeling hurt and confused - being tired of the drama and selfishness - enjoying nature - celebrating my great-grandmother's 91st birthday - spending lots of quality time with family

I've Got the Theme Song from "American Tale" Stuck in my Head

2009-06-30T18:35:00.005-05:00

So, I think I have a game plan for the next couple of years. And, by "I think," I mean "I'm 80% sure this is actually going to happen."

I'm seriously thinking about getting a Masters degree in Communications. I would probably focus on Public Relations, but I'm not for sure about that just yet. I've had probably 12-16 hours of COMM courses, and I do really enjoy them. Plus, continuing my education like this will definitely make me more marketable. I talked to my Mom about it today, and she likes the idea too (and she likes that I'm so excited about it).

The only thing is actually paying for it...

Ideally, here's how this would play out: I would apply for one of the many positions available at DU. I would be loved and adored and hired in December to start my full-time position. In return, I would receive Tuition Remission meaning that I wouldn't have to pay anything for my Masters degree.

Ta-Da!

But, even if that doesn't pan out, I'm pretty sure I'm going to stick with this decision.

<3

Good Things About Today

2009-06-26T19:59:00.002-05:00

It's Friday, which means the weekend is here!!
Getting a surprise visit from Jake!
Bonding time with the girls at work (which means ogling hot actors online and talking about who would be on the top of our "To Do" list).
Delicious dinner at the Rendezvous with Marie.
Watching Gran Torino later.

I'm definitely looking forward to having a couple of days off from work!

The Fallen Interlude

2009-06-22T15:15:00.001-05:00

Down, down, down.
Pick me up, i'm falling

This is a Huge Plus

2009-06-19T21:36:00.001-05:00

He makes me laugh.

PS: Marie just licked my arm.

Every Now and Then

2009-06-17T23:14:00.004-05:00

Even though we're really close now, sometimes I worry that Jake and I will grow apart, just because we are so different. We have completely different ideologies, interests, and goals. We don't fight or argue, just sometimes I worry that we'll drift apart.

But then, on days like today, I know that we will be just fine--we will remain close and our bond will stay tight.

This morning, my car wouldn't start. After I arrived at work (thanks again, M!), I talked to my mom, had a breakdown, drank espresso, and then started on my day. I pushed the car--as well as the many (non-vehicle) troubles associated with it--into the corner of my mind so that I could function. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than a car malfunction.

This evening, when I got off work, I tried my car again, and it worked!! Woot! However, I was still a little worried about why it didn't start the first time, so I called the person that I know who is the most familiar with fixing cars: my brother, Jake. After the initial, "what went wrong/what did it sound like" discussion (after which, he determined that the starter relay was malfunctioning), the conversation went something like this:

Jake: Do you have a friend down there who is capable of fixing it?
Me: No, but I have a place I can take it to.
Jake: If you want to wait a few days, I'll fix it for you.
Me (knowing that he was getting ready to see a movie with Valerie): I don't really want to take a chance on it breaking down while I'm out and about...I wish you could come down here and fix it for me...
Jake: Me too, because I want it done right so that you're safe...Wait! You could come up tonight and just stay home for the rest of the week, because I miss you! Then, we could hang out and I could fix it for you!

Awwww! My brother is top notch. I kinda like the kid!

Spinich Artichoke Dip Makes Me Contemplative

2009-06-14T01:06:00.005-05:00

The summer goes on and then dies quick without much warning

Am I missing out on something great by not being honest about my feelings? Or, is this just the way it's supposed to be? I'm not going to be in this place forever, and I want to know if it's real or just a passing fancy.

Don't leave this town until we've figured out

We Could All Do with a Little Less Stress

2009-06-13T18:28:00.002-05:00

So, here is a list of nine stress relieving foods: sweet potatoes, spinach, dried apricots, avacados, oranges, salmon, turkey, green veggies, almonds and walnuts. So many bright colors--how could you be sad eating that (well, besides the poultry and fish)???

You Thought You Might be a Ghost

2009-06-12T11:06:00.002-05:00

I need to get out of Springfield. I don't really care where I go; it just needs to happen--just for a few hours, a day, a weekend. I'm stuck in a rut and I need to mix it up a little bit or else I'm going to snap. I don't really know where this came from or for how long it has been building up, but about an hour ago I had an overwhelming urge to disappear.

You didn't get to heaven but you made it close

I need an adventure--something to shake up my routine.

An Incredible Leader Once Said

2009-06-06T17:06:00.002-05:00

"So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, and who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity."

Barack Obama
in a speech about improving Muslim and American relationships

168 Hours

2009-06-04T21:07:00.004-05:00

Within the past seven days, I have

spent time with my sister
gone shopping
eaten at the Rendezvous twice
seen Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
hung out with my family (they came to visit on Sunday)
made curry from scratch
watched True Blood
worked 40 hours
eaten delicious sushi
created a new gnocchi dish
come up with a fantastic summer project
drank coffee like it's going out of style
decided to buy an iPod Touch in the near future
sold a copy of my book that I created for Capstone

It's been productive.

We're Regular Rachel Ray(s)

2009-05-29T22:03:00.002-05:00

Maggie (my sister) is here, and we just ate a delicious meal!

Salad:

Combination of three different kinds of greens
Gorgonzola
Dried berries
Avacado

Pasta:

Linguine
Shrimp/mushroom/onion in a white wine sauce with fresh mozzerella.

Crusty French bread

It was sooooo delicious! And, obviously, we are master chefs.

Love or Something Ignites in my Veins

2009-05-27T20:13:00.004-05:00

Here is an interesting/hilarious/inappropriate/awesome conversation from work:

A: That poor guy; it's a wonder that he can even find his way to work sometimes.
J: You know what he doesn't have a problem finding a home for...
A: Oh my gosh, I KNOW! He has nooo problems with that at all!
J: Yeah...it's kind of gross, actually.
A: He's going to have a problem being a doctor.

Bahaha!

* "A" is not me.

EDIT------------------------------------------------------------------

From this afternoon:

Today, for the first time, I saw the guy A and J were talking about.
He. Is. Hot.

EDIT-----------------------------------------------------------------

I just found out that he is actually a year younger* than I am. HAHAHAHA**

*This surprised me beyond belief (oh, and he looks like a total dumbass according to his fb profile).

**silent laughter because the roomies are in bed.

Things Have Changed for Me

2009-05-26T23:15:00.002-05:00

and that's okay!

(I definitely used that line in my spiritual autobiography [which I may/may not post sometime]).

I just posted on a friend's Facebook wall, "Hey! Remember when we used to be friends?"--I was only semi-joking. Growing up is meeting new people. It is having new life experiences. Growing up is learning. I find it sad and exhilarating at the same time.

Pomp & Circumstance

2009-05-22T00:25:00.004-05:00

Jake just graduated! I'm so proud of him; he's going to do great things with his life!
I saw my best friend for the first time since December!!! We made plans to move to Europe in June 2010. If you want to join us, feel free!
Made tenative plans to have my sister visit next weekend. Woot!

It's so weird that Jake's going to college next fall. I feel so old.

Stella Loves Sitting in the Windows

2009-05-18T20:44:00.003-05:00

Now that things have calmed down a little, maybe I can write something of substance.

Last week was jammed with packing, moving, cleaning, parents bringing furniture, and the obligatory "end of the semester" activities. Now, it's time to take a deep breath.

*deep breath*

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what has happened between May 2008 and May 2009 (I know. Normal people do this type of reflection around January 1--deal with it). I don't feel like I've changed that much...I've just experienced a lot! There have been beautiful and happy experiences along with the bleak and depressing ones. I think what is really provoking this thinking is that I have officially moved out of my family's house. Sure, I've been "out" for a long time now, but this is one of the biggest steps towards "adulthood" that I've taken since leaving for college (and yes, I realize that this is true for most people).

I've spent more time thinking about what I believe, what I don't believe. What I can do, and what I can't do. What I want from my life, and what I have realized that I can completely do without. I think for the first time, I am completely satisfied with the way things are going; I am completely happy with myself and who I am becoming.

There are still some issues that I need to resolve, but I know that I have the strength that is necessary. I'm not worried anymore about becoming bitter--it's all going to be fine! I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

All I Have to Say Is

2009-05-14T23:09:00.003-05:00

a;lksdjf.,cmvowiejflkvm.fskfl;

There. That feels better.

I'm tired of pursuing something/someone that won't work out. It's not worth the time, energy, emotions. Bah.

Okay. Now, that really does feel better. G'Night! :)

My Ethernet Doesn't Work

2009-05-13T22:48:00.002-05:00

Watching the storm come over the hill. Lightning fascinates and thrills me.

I love the new apartment so much. It's night number 2 for me, and I'm starting to get settled...ish (nevermind that I still have a lot of stuff at the Q).

and...

STELLA IS AN AMBITURNER!

My Castles Stand upon Pillars of Salt and Pillars of Sand

2009-05-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

Today, I learned about the giant garbage patch that is in the Pacific Ocean. Basically, all of the plastic that people throw into the environment gets swept up in streams, rivers, and the ocean. Because of ocean currents, all of this trash gets trapped in specific areas--this particular one is between Hawaii and California. The amount of trash that has accumulated here is mind-blowing! Currently, it covers an area that is twice the size of Texas; in some places it is over 90 feet deep!

People need to start being more responsible. End of story. We need to stop being so wasteful, and we need to pick up after ourselves. Animals are dying because of our laziness. According to one study, whales have started contracting breast cancer (Yes. Breast cancer. In whales.), because they are taking in so much plastic when they feed. That's so sad!!

It's so frustrating to me that so many people do not recycle. Really. Why wouldn't you?!

Oh, and I found a song that completely and totally reminds me of Jean-Baptiste Clamance in The Fall (at least the Clamance in the middle of the book): "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. Oh, how I love that song...

I didn't really want to be so down in this post...maybe it's the weather? I had a great day today with my lovely and wonderful mom (and the rest of my family). Now, I'm in the process of packing to move to our beautiful, new apartment!! Yay! Life really is good!

A Little Disconcerting

2009-05-07T12:47:00.002-05:00

My 15 year-old sister and her boyfriend are celebrating their 8 month anniversary this week.
My 18 year-old brother and his girlfriend are celebrating their 7 month anniversary this month.

My longest relationship was about 3 months.

Is there something wrong with me? Bah. It's so weird!

Happiness is a Warm Gun

2009-05-05T12:01:00.002-05:00

On MSN.com today, I read an article named Five Things Happy People Do. It was pretty interesting! Here is my take on the the five "secrets" of happy women.

They find their most golden self. This means having a happy, peaceful, and satisfied soul. One should strive towards excellence based on her unique strengths, talents, and potentials.
They design their lives to bring in joy. Recognizing what makes you happy is key to this step. Taking a short break from things that wear you down is so important! It requires a deliberate change on your part
They avoid "if only" fantasies. Stop focusing on the one negative aspect of your life. Instead, focus on the positive things. Keep your life exciting!
They put best friends first. According to studies, people find more pleasure in just hanging out with one or two best friends than in dashing around with acquaintences.
They allow themselves to be happy. It's okay to be happy. Happy people are more effective at helping others, so if you want to change the world, you first need to be happy with yourself.

The article was really interesting, and you should probably read it for yourself! Have a great day! Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Skip School and Go to the Lake! Have Fun!! Boom Boom Ya! *

2009-05-04T13:55:00.002-05:00

These titles are ridiculous. Haha!

Things to do before the end of the semester:

Intellectual/Spiritual Progression essay
Digital Photo project
Digital Photo essay (wtf?!)
Typographer's chair
Religion portfolio
Business Foundations final

And then, I'm finished! Woot!

Drink Cook's Beer All Day Out of a Water Bottle*

2009-05-01T21:42:00.002-05:00

It's May Day; it's 49 degrees outside and rainy.

It's ArtWalk; the PAC had the Capstone gallery opening today. Everybody did such a great job! You should totally go check it out if you didn't tonight.

It's 9:45 on a Friday night; I'm listening to Coldplay, playing with my cat, working on the mountain of homework, and have someone keeping me "aprised of any interesting developments" downtown. I'm pretty content right now though, because it's so gross outside. Although, there is a possibility of going to an 80's party downtown....

Every once in a while, he seems to want more...but then we go weeks without communicating.

This week was so weird. I'm still processing some interesting developments. I don't quite know what to do with some of the information.

Pour Your Daydreams in a Cup

2009-04-29T15:18:00.003-05:00

While it's not as deep as some of the things that we've read in senior seminar, I am really enjoying Davita's Harp. It's such a great story, and it really does have some thought-provoking tidbits within its pages.

Here's one section that really struck me:

"...isn't what you call an illusion simply someone else's dream with which you disagree?...If faith in God is merely an illusion then why not faith in man too? Anne, are your dreams too not an illusion?"

Illusions as dreams of someone else that you disagree with...hmm....

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee*

2009-04-27T22:45:00.002-05:00

*For the next two weeks, Justin wrote inspirational (sometimes not so much...haha) quotes on different days in my planner, so I'm going to use them for my titles.

I don't really have much to say tonight. Today was fine--Marie's presentation was GREAT!! I'm so proud of her! :)

At 3:00 AM, I was woken up by a thunderstorm! It was so fantastic! It had been waaaaay too long since the last storm. I stayed up and listened to it for about thirty minutes. I watched the lightening flash and the rain pour. I heard the thunder clap, the rain splash on the window, and the wind blow the trees. It was a beautiful thing.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2009-04-25T12:28:00.009-05:00

Here are some of the awesome times* from spring 2009 thus far:

Seeing pretty flowers!

Visiting So-Lo with Caitlin

(notice how perfectly everthing is faced)

Grabbing Marie and forcing her to go take pictures of C-Street with me.

We were standing on a corner, and then we saw cops.

Going out for Linz's Bday!
Happy 22!!!

Art Walk + really any of the times we've been Downtown.

It's so nice when the nights are warm!

Going on a picnic with my beautiful sister over spring break.

This is a loaf of the very tasty bread that she baked!

Caitlin visited!!

This was on the bridge over the train tracks, and it was so much fun!

There have been many other great things! These are just the few that I've documented. Thanks for all of the great times!

*I wish these were in chronological order, but this is the order the pictures uploaded.

You Say You Want a Revolution

2009-04-21T23:32:00.004-05:00

I want to change the world.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, yet. I'll figure it out though, and it'll be fantastic. Sometimes I get so inspired to do something great with my life--I get so excited about the future and what I'm going to accomplish in my life. I hope that by the time I'm 90 years old, I'll have stories that will capture my great-grandchildrens' interest and inspire them to do great things as well.

I love John Mayer's song Waiting on the World to Change, but if you want something to happen, you have to actively try to fix it. You can't just sit back and wait for it to fix itself. I mean, I understand feeling small, insignificant, and as though nothing you do will make a difference. But, if you don't try, than it for sure won't help. Even if you don't know what to do, throw yourself into it, and you'll figure it out!

Into the Light of a Dark Black Night

2009-04-20T23:44:00.006-05:00

Fly.

This Religion/Philosophy Senior Seminar class has given me soo much to think about, and now I have to formulate a "intellectual/spiritual autobiography" that is 12 pages long.

What do I say?

Before.

I held tightly to the Methodist faith for nineteen years, was an active leader in my church for 5-6 of those years, sang in the choir, played instruments, learned Bible stories, participated in youth group activities (hell, was the president of the youth group), acted as a liaison between the adult committees and the youth, blah, blah, blah.

Now.

I. Don't. Have. A. Clue.

Hahaha. I'm okay with not knowing. It gives me something to work towards.

It does make me think of a song by the Beatles:

Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

When I do figure it out, it's going to be amazing and wondrous.

But there are things that happen, between a man and a woman, in the dark, that sorta make everything else seem unimportant *

2009-04-19T23:43:00.007-05:00

As of April 11, Stella is 5 months old!

Doesn't she look sweet?

She's enjoying Davita's Harp

It can be rather difficult to do homework when she's laying on it...

*A quote said by Stella in A Streecar Named Desire

Time (x2)

2009-04-18T21:35:00.003-05:00

"Everything has a name, Ilana. And names are very important. Nothing exists unless it has a name. Can you think of something that doesn't have a name? And, darling, everything has a past. Everything--a person, an object, a word, everything. If you don't know the past, you can't understand the present and plan properly for the future."

Davita's Harp: pg 10

It all brings me back to Medieval Philosophy. Oh, the "whatness and the whiteness"...

Good Things About Today

2009-04-15T21:08:00.003-05:00

Got to sleep until 8 am
Registered for my LAST SEMESTER of classes
Justin told me I looked pretty
Had a heart-to-heart with my brother's girlfriend
FOUND A BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT to live in with my girls
Felt completely appreciated at work
Had a lazy afternoon
It was absolutely beautiful and sunny and warm outside!!!
Spent some quality time with Stella-Bella
Had a relaxing evening
Going out for margaritas

It was a good day! :-D

Where Do We Fit in the Dimension of Time?

2009-04-14T23:52:00.002-05:00

Where do we exist in the realm of time?

How does our past influence our future?

How much importance should we place on what has happened on the past, and how far into the future should we be looking? Would it be okay to simply live in the present? Is that even possible?

Everyone is so concerned with the future (finding jobs, relationships, money, etc.) that we cease to treasure and savor the now--the present.

Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness,
To be conscious is not to be in time

T.S. Eliot: Burnt Norton

Who Am I?

2009-04-08T18:13:00.003-05:00

DIRECTIONS:

- Go to Google image search.

- Type in your answer to each question.

- Choose a picture from the first three pages.

- Use this website (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.

- Save the image for use in this note

- Post

QUESTIONS:

1. What is your name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What is your hometown?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. What is your favorite movie?

6. What is your favorite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favorite dessert?

9. What is one word to describe yourself?

10. How are you feeling right now?

11. What do you love most in the world?

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Boy, Oh Boy!

2009-04-08T15:03:00.006-05:00

We can't live with them; we can't live without them. We love to hate them; we hate to love them.

Yes, I'm talking about the opposite gender.

I keep hearing that all men are stupid and asses who can't be trusted at all. I know that I've said my share of this, too; I'm not innocent of this. However, I've also started feeling bad about this. There are some guys in my life who are truly fantastic.

First, I have my family members. My grandpa, Jake (Abe is still a kid, and as such is not included in this conversation), my cousins (Charlie, Bob, Tim, Brad), and my uncle are all such wonderful men, and I feel so lucky to have them in my life!

I have guy friends who truly care about me, and who I truly care about as well. There is a handful of these guys who I completely trust, and who I know would be there for me in a minute if I needed it.

It feels like I'm short-changing these guys when I speak so negatively about all boys. Don't get me wrong, there are several jerks out there, but you have to remember to not judge all of them. I'm so tired of hearing that there are no good ones out there. There most certainly are; you just have to look a little harder for them.

You might be saying that I really have no basis for this, because I haven't had my heart broken by a guy. Well, romantically, no, I have not. However, the man that is supposed to be there completely and who a girl should be able to trust fully has, in a way, broken me, and I think that I do have a little bit of basis for saying all of this because of that very fact.

I'm not ranting; I just want to bring this up, because it really has started bothering me. Please know I'm not trying to discount the hurt and anger that certain guys have caused my friends. Those guys have truly been assholes. I just want to stop lumping all of them into one category.

There are Very Few Things that I Will Never Forgive

2009-04-06T22:10:00.004-05:00

I think I've finally figured out why The Fall bothered me so much. Don't get me wrong--it was an excellent book, and the portrayal of the human condition was fairly accurate (if not totally cynical).

The narrator of the story, Jean-Baptiste Clamence draws you in completely--describing his past life as though since then he has had a dramatic change in his attitude and actions. All along, I was thinking, "okay, he was a drunkard, a womanizer, and a complete asshole, but he's going to change; yay for him."

Wrong.

He manipulated me.

I can't handle it when I'm being manipulated. It's the one thing that I cannot get over. Luckily, only one person has truly succeeded in doing it--but he will probably never be forgiven for it.

Ugh.

Past, Present, Future

2009-04-05T16:14:00.003-05:00

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present

From: "Burnt Norton"
T.S. Eliot

It's a False Ideal

2009-04-05T02:42:00.003-05:00

"Chicks before dicks" is such a lie. It's a great thing to shoot for, but it doesn't really work out.