Nothing too profound

So, I may not know exactly what or who I believe in at this time (religiously speaking) but I do know this:

Peace

Love

Compassion

Tolerance

Equality

Are all necessary.

Celebrating another year with the Shlut!

Happy Birthday, Latesa!

Hope you had a fun, fun time with everyone! I love you so very much, and I wish every happiness for you! I'm so glad we met three and a half years ago. Sooo much has happened between then and now! I feel so lucky to have you in my life, and I consider you to be one of my very best friends. You've been there for me countless times--through the good and the bad. Thanks so much, and have a happy 22nd year!!

<3

Rumi-fied.

"Five Things"

I have five things to say,
five fingers to give into your grace.

First, when I was apart from you,
this world did not exist, nor any other.

Second, whatever I was looking for
was always you.

Third, why did I ever learn to count to three?

Fourth, my cornfield is burning!

Fifth, this finger stands for Rabia,*
and this is for someone else.
Is there a difference?

*Rabia was the woman mystic from Basara who said that a love for God should not come out of fear or hope, but in response to the beauty in the heart.

I especially identify with the red lines for a variety of reasons at this point in my life.

Isms Floating through my Brain.

Buddhism
Jainism
Vegetarianism

"Come in to my world, I've got to show, show, show you."

Welcome my mind.

It's a very, very messy place these days, just to warn you.

Yesterday I had filial respect and responsibility on my mind. In China, respecting one's parents is the most important task a child has. Everything he or she does must be with regard to them. When Buddhism first entered the picture in China in the 1st Century CE, people had problems with it because it required one at the very least acknowledge the sangha if not join it. This took the firstborn son from the parents, and people worried that it was interfering with the filial respect. However, eventually, it became an honor.

Then, of course there is the Commandment that declares people must "honor thy father and mother."

Respect for parents is such a huge theme in religions; it is necessary for the soul to reach enlightenment. What happens then, when you have no respect for a parent (except the basic respect that you have for any other human being)? I hope that in time I will forgive and have compassion for my father, but what if that never happens? What if I'm not strong enough? Am I destined to the fiery pits of hell or to never leave the endless cycles of samsara?

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today, however, is another day. Today I've been thinking about vegetarianism. This is not a new thought for me. I entertain it every few months or so. Currently, I eat dairy, poultry, and fish. I haven't eaten red meat or pork in years (6+) and I am not tempted to in the least. I know I'm strong enough to do this. I should just go ahead and take the plunge. It will be difficult for a few months, but nothing I can't handle.

Ok, moving on.

Buddhism. I really, really love it so much. Apparently Dr. Ess calls himself a Buddhist-Methodist...perhaps I should chat with him...?

Jainism. I stumbled across this while I was looking at vegetarianism. It's interesting, and I highly recommend that you look it up on Wikipedia.

Quick things going through my head. Much to mull.

I need another Rumi poetry book.

Pale sunlight,
pale the wall.


Love moves away.
The light changes.


I need more grace
than I thought.


-Rumi

I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel as though I'm hanging in limbo. I don't know what to reach for, what to cling to, what to release, what to bury. I'm not sad or depressed; I'm not satisfied. But, I'm okay with that for now.

Hmmm....

Sometimes I think I might be defective.

The Letter I Will Never Send

Dear _______,

I just want you to know how much you have hurt me. You have lied to me, manipulated me, made me feel like shit, and made me feel guilty for things that were beyond my control. You have toyed with my emotions. Although you have been supportive (when it's convenient for you), you have also let me fall when I've needed you the most.

I should be able to count on you, and it breaks my heart to know that I cannot.

I can't imagine how different my life would be, how different I would be, if we had stayed. I can only imagine that it would have been hell. Although I was angry and upset at the time, I have since learned that it was not a healthy environment.

I can't believe anything you say, and I can't think that anything you do has an ounce of altruism in it. You don't truly care about anyone but yourself. What a sad and lonely life it must be. I suppose someday, after I have forgiven you, I will feel sorry for you. However, right now, I cringe at the thought of even seeing you, of putting on the charade that everything is okay, and that we have a tolerable relationship.

If you really think that we do, you have to be fooling yourself. There is only one reason that I have for not completely cutting you out of my life. One, single thread holds us together, and fortunately for you, it is a strong thread. Every time I say that I want to cut you out, this amazingly wonderful person talks me out of it. It would really surprise you if you knew who it was.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much you have hurt me. I know that you are able to twist everything around so that you aren't held responsible. I wish I knew how you could sleep at night; I truly do.

Unfortunately, I have to end this with I love you...because I do. Despite everything you have done...or haven't done.