My Day

My day started out like this:

"WTF??? I JUST WENT TO SLEEP!"

and quickly progressed to this:

"I HATE THE WORLD TODAY!"

which was not too wonderful during work/lunch (although I did have fun during mine and Marie's joint "fuck the world" session").

At 1:30 I was in class, waiting for my professor to show up. When he came in at 2:00 and said that we were presenting our sketches, I almost had to scream....but I didn't. Hahaha.

By 3:45, I had given my presentation and walked home to sit with Marie for a little while before heading to Digital Photo...aka the class that should be relatively stress-free, but because of a slightly inappropriate dream is not.

An hour later I was in the Lab laughing with some friends and being goofy.

By 6:30, I was stressed and could feel a knot form between my shoulder blades.

At 7:30, Marco, the soccer player from Miami walked me home (it was the first time we had met).

At 8:30 I was eating Chinese and drinking wine with two of my favorite people in the world, and now at 9:30 I am satisfied with the world (albeit a little sleepy).

And that was my day.

Bundle Up!

I hate the cold.

I hate the fact that I break out when I'm cold.

I hate that when it's cloudy and cold, I feel like my soul has been sucked out.

I love looking at large expanses of untouched snow.

I love playing in the snow.

I love cuddling under blankets.

I love hot tea.

Last night when we played out in the snow, everything seemed so peaceful and magical. There were still flurries coming from down from the sky. When the lights would hit them, they would sparkle and look like glitter falling from the sky. It was very calming, soothing.

I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight

As you probably know, I have been working through how exactly I feel about God and religion. I have come to several conclusions, but one of them is that while I believe in a Supreme Being--God--I don't necessary believe that it works in our everyday lives. It is a transcendent being that created the world and then stepped back, thus allowing us to make our own decisions. I don't reall think that there is some grand plan that God has for each of us, and I'm fine with the idea of creating my own future based on my decisions rather than thinking that if something's meant to be, it will happen.

That being said, I've noticed that when I'm upset and struggling, I still call out to God asking for relief or direction. I don't really think that this is out of habit, because I've never really subscribed to the grand plan theory. It's never really crossed my mind that I did this until a few weeks ago, and I've been trying to figure out why. I think it's interesting...

List of Possible Careers

Visual Communications:
graphic designer
photographer
interior designer
advertising/creative director
layout person
illustrator
newspaper
magazine
etc.

Religion:
pretty self-explanatory...not really a direction I want to go in...hence the "real" major

Other:
stripper
prostitute
***Marry Rich***
something that includes traveling around the world

mreh.

See, I can smile!

Last night I was feeling sad, frustrated, angry, and hurt about a situation. At the same time I was having a long conversation via texting with a good friend of mine.



A: "You know that I brighten your day, so don't pretend otherwise."

R: "Well, I have to admit that you are good at that."



It came at the perfect moment, and put a smile on my face. It's the simple things in life that can turn your day around.

New Soul

I changed the name of my blog to New Soul because after thinking about the lyrics of Yael Naim's song, "New Soul," I found it to be quite applicable to my existence...and to the existence of every other living soul.

I'm a new soul

I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear

Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world

Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake

But why all this hate? Try to communicate

Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

This is a happy end

Cause you don't understand

Everything you have done

Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
New soul...
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes...

Life is trial and error. There isn't any easy way to get through it (unless you don't take chances, I suppose...but that's fairly boring) without making mistakes. It's what one learns from the mistakes that one made that determines the type of person he or she is.

My Happy Place

This evening, Linz and I rented What Happens in Vegas with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. Now, while it was humorous and light-hearted it wasn't particularly inspiring (as you can probably guess). However, in one part of the movie Kutcher asks Diaz when she was last happy. She thinks it over for a few minutes and replies, "before I had a job or responsibilities I took the ferry to a lighthouse and just sat on the beach for a day listening to the waves."

Now, you probably know that I feel so at home near large bodies of water--especially near the ocean, but that isn't always possible since I live in the center of the United States (which is unfortunate). However, I must say that I am happiest when I am near the ocean as well. I have a sense of peace and calm when I hear the waves crashing and feel the wind blowing that I cannot get anywhere else. When I am near the ocean, I feel light, satisfied, untouchable, worry-free...it's so amazing.

Maybe in a year or so I'll be closer to the ocean...for now, I'll make do with what is (when I'm home) my backyard...

Interconnected

So, I'm reading Life of Pi, and I am absolutely loving it. The main character, Piscine "Pi" Patel is youngster who is trying to find himself.

There are such great passages in this book! Already, I have marked five excellent tidbits. My favorite from today was this:

"Hindus in their capacity for love, are indeed hairless Christians, just as Muslims, in the way they see God in everything, are bearded Hindus, and Christians, in their devotion to God, are hat-wearing Muslims."

Although I am still in the beginning of the book, I am already enjoying the way Yann Martel has woven Patel's personal story with his own literary experience. It's beautifully written, and thoroughly enjoyable.

3.14

I started Life of Pi today! I didn't get very far, but I'm enjoying it! Everyone should probably read it.

The main character in the book, Pi, is majoring in Religion and Zoology. He deals well with the various branches of religion, but he has a problem comprehending agnosticism. Anyway, here is a passage that struck a chord with me:

Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.

It's time for a clean slate

Happy 2009! I'm confident it will be an improvement from 2008 because of the lessons we have learned.

It's been a looong time since I've blogged or journaled. Subsequently, I have a looong list of topics that I want to touch on...unfortunately, I lack the motivation to go into detail.

Home was good as always, but also as always, it was great to get back to the Q. As much as I love my mom, siblings, and grandparents, it can get a little overbearing to be home for an extended period of time. However, I did get to spend time with my sister's boyfriend, so it was good to get to know him.

The third or fourth day I was home, we spent the day at my dad's house. He crushed me that night--hurt me in a way that I never thought was possible...even for him. I have never been more hurt, furious, disgusted--GAH. And then he has the audacity to tell me that I am being unreasonable. However, this whole experience did give me a little more insight into Mom and dad's marriage. It also helped me to make the decision to cut him out.

...if only that were a viable possibilty. For right now though, I need what little monetary support he gives me (aka my car and my car insurance). I'm not proud of it. I feel like I'm compromising my integrity. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach, but I don't really know what else to do.

Anyway, Christmas was excellent! It was great to see all of my family!

Now I'm back in the Q (woohoo!), and it's been quite nice to just be lazy for a few days. I'm starting back to work on Monday, but that won't be bad. I've spent about 10 hours at the MudLounge since being back; it was all so much fun! I'm glad to be back, and I'm looking forward to what the new year may bring!